Recently I was very humbled to receive this question in an email from a friend who I assumed had a very strong marriage. By no means do Natalie and I have a perfect marriage, but I do agree that we have a strong one.
“I am reaching out to you because I don’t know where to turn. Life is really difficult for me right now and I really need someone to talk to. It is my marriage — it is ending, and I struggle with coping. I sometimes wish for a man’s perspective in what I did wrong, but I am so lost in my head. I also would love it if I could talk to a happily married couple. My heart just hurts.
I know God is with me and I am grateful for my faith. Every day I struggle to hide my true feelings to put on a smiling face.”
How Can This Be? They Are Happily Married!
My heart sunk when I heard these words as I really thought that she and her husband were doing well.
Having gone through many couples’ Bible studies and learning from other godly marriages, I quickly recognized I should not be the person she is talking to. Not because she had ulterior motives for wanting to meet with me, but because she was in a very vulnerable state.
I also shared this email with Natalie so that she was aware of my communications with her. I did not want to do anything that Natalie was not aware of. I shared with the friend many resources I have used and many of the things Natalie and I do to keep our marriage strong.
I am very happy to report that her marriage is on the mend and what she thought was an ending has become a time of healing for her and her husband!
I thought I could share this with others in a hope that others would also have a strong marriage. Bear with me, as this is not a short answer.
It Starts With Why!
Having a strong marriage first and foremost starts with a mindset. You must start with mindset, the foundation, before moving to anything tactical. So hear me out, because if you don’t deal with the mindset first, the tactical WILL NOT WORK.
The first answer to “Why?” is that we have put Christ at the center of it. We both love the Lord; we know the Lord loves us and that our needs are met by the Lord. We both feel it is important that we are serving and taking care of each other, but we are not dependent on each other to make each other happy or to meet each other’s needs.
The Bible never talks about making your spouse happy. It talks about love, respect, submission, surrender, serving, forgiveness, and understanding. These things can lead to happiness of course, but that is the side effect, not the cause.
Your Marriage’s #1 Goal Is Not About Making the Other Happy
This, of course, flies in the face of what most of us were taught. Find someone who will make you happy and meet your needs. Unfortunately, that way of thinking is just a recipe for disaster. You and your spouse will fall short!
This does not mean that we don’t work on making our spouse happy and doing for things for them that meets their needs. It means that when we fall short, you or your spouse don’t walk away because they didn’t live up to your expectations. It is an understanding that your joy, your contentment comes from the Lord, not others.
On Mission
The second mindset that is important is that we are on mission together. I think many marriages do have that mindset, especially at first and especially if you have children. The problem with many marriages is what happens when the children leave or if you start to have different goals. Many times, the mission was the wrong mission — making each other happy, meeting each other’s needs, making your children happy, etc.
In Genesis 1:27-28, God gives Adam and Eve a mission to accomplish together.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Submit!
Natalie and I look at what the Bible states a marriage’s mission should be. The mission is what God calls us to do in our marriage. Women are to submit to their husbands (Eph. 5:22) and men are to love their wives the way that Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). Men are to submit to God.
Submission is a word that many people hate because they feel like that gives permission to the person to rule over them … which is not what submission is. Submission is about surrendering their lives for others, which is what God calls both the husband and wife to do. It is not about the man ruling over the wife, it is not about the man making all the decisions, it is not about a dictatorship. It is ultimately about both people surrendering their will to God’s.
Burn the Boats
We also have come into our marriage where divorce is not an option. This can be easier said than to live out, meaning we have not dealt with infidelity or other major conflict in our marriage. I would like to say that no matter what, we would get through it. Our mindset though, is that we are joined as one and we will not let anything on earth separate us. (Matt. 19:6)
You may have heard the story about the general who crossed over a great body of water to go to war. Once they reached the other side, he ordered the boats to be burned. Retreat would not be an option.
Natalie and I have decided to burn the boats. Running away is not an option. We vowed that through any kind of trouble we would submit/surrender to God’s will.
Now the Tactical
Years ago, I went through one of the most life-changing studies I have ever experienced. It was called Men’s Fraternity. It was a three-year program.
The first year helped me understand why I had become the man that I was, the definition of a godly man, and what God called us as men to do.
The second year focused on a man and his marriage, his family, and his work. It taught me what the Biblical role of a husband was.
The third year focused on making the most of your life. It challenged me to break free from the bondage of boredom and begin the great adventure that God had uniquely designed for me. It helped me understand my natural strengths and the environments in which I thrive.
This was super helpful as it really helped me with the mindset things I mentioned above.
Divide and Conquer
It also helped me to look at Natalie’s and my own gifts to be able to divide up all the things we need to do in our day to day to life and have the right person doing them.
We decided who will balance the checkbook, who will make meals, who will clean the house, etc. Some of the things we both do, some of the things are done by just one of us.
These Behaviors Have Made a Strong Marriage
I cannot stress the next tactics enough. Without doing these things, I truly believe your marriage will never be what it could.
The program encouraged that marriages need weekly dates, monthly or quarterly getaways, and annual retreats. We thought that sounded very cool, so we jumped in.
Our weekly dates are usually Natalie and I going for walks and discussing work, family, finances, etc.
Our monthly/quarterly getaways are usually just a date where we go out for supper, hangout with another couple, go to our couples Bible study, serve somewhere or something similar.
Our annual retreat is a great getaway.
You Have To Getaway!
Our annual retreat is a time where we travel to another state, we rent a house and enjoy time hanging out. We sit down and write up goals for our marriage, our parenting, our children, our finances, our businesses, and most importantly our relationship with God.
We have done this retreat on our own, brought other couples, and this past year brought our family.
Every retreat has been very impactful on our marriage.
It is interesting that each year, we look back at our goals we see that many times things did not go how we had planned it (Can anyone relate to this with COVID impacting them this year?). With that said, many times it turned out even better than we had planned.
This does not mean we should not have planned the year out. I think God calls us to be very intentional about our lives. He tells us to number our days, to use our talents, to do everything as though we are working for the Lord.
As you can see, there is not a short answer to a strong marriage, and each marriage is going to have its own unique tactics, but I do believe all marriages need to have that strong foundational mindset that I mentioned earlier.
Pray Together
This is one that is super important but the one that Natalie and I struggle with. I think that Satan looks for ways to divide and an easy one is to keep us too busy to take the time to pray together. As we take on this world though, we are reminded that doing it without God is so much harder.
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12
Do You Have a Plan?
My prayer is that if you are married that your marriage would be strong. I come from a divorced family and saw how much it impacted everyone involved in ways that have left deep scars. I vowed that I would never get divorced, but that is not enough — I needed to have a plan to not go down that same path. I hope that this helps you, as it is the reason Natalie and I have a strong marriage!
Resources
- Bible
- Men’s Fraternity – Robert Lewis
- Uncommon Marriage – Tony Dungy
- The Good Fight – Les and Leslie Parrot
- You and Me Forever – Francis and Lisa Chan
- Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs
- Authentic Manhood – Robert Lewis
- Wild at Heart – John Eldridge
- What Did You Expect – Paul Tripp
- The Art of Marriage – Family Life
- Focus on the Family
- Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson
